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Serah
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#1 Posted: Sat Jun 12th, 2010 02:20 pm |
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Annie's Dream
Upon a lake we all float free
from worries of the day.
We dip a dream into the sea
and keep it close at bay.
The light it flickers in and out
of ferns and of the trees.
Like lovers of a past, no doubt
that drifted off to sea.
I catch a ray upon my skin
of one persistent sun!
It finds and lands upon one twin,
no greenery to shun.
We reminisce, my friends and I
when youth was on our side.
Of lovers that for we would die
that took us for a ride.
But in the sea I hold a dream,
a fairy tale come true
A knight whose armor shines with gleam,
and loves me through and through.
~
Last edited on Sun Jun 13th, 2010 02:08 pm by Serah
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Ted Cherry
Aussie and proud of it
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#2 Posted: Sat Jun 12th, 2010 11:18 pm |
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A very nice poem Deb, -- reminiscent of an earlier poem of your's of creeks and love and sunlight and bosoms, yassah Ma-am! Ah, the memories!
But to me you have a bit of forced rhyming here and there this time, - three lines stick out, plus a mixed settings of such unlikleyhood to be considered impossible.
S2.L4. light through trees and ferns, like lovers drifted off to sea. Huh? (unlikely)
Suggestion, something like:- who fled where none could see.
S3. L3. suggestion:- ------------------------twin, (comma)
L4. " a lace like pattern spun.
S4. L1. You have the sea in a creek again. Suggestion, perhaps something like:- But in my mind I hold a dream,
A lovely dreamy poem Deb, I think you would be a great lover. Ted
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Serah
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#3 Posted: Sun Jun 13th, 2010 02:08 pm |
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Ted, Ted, Ted....this IS that poem from the past. That's why I reposed it in this forum, "Buried Treasure".
Soooo, this poem has already gone through critiques and editing.
Forced rhyme? Ha! I like this now just the way it is ( and I know you like it too! )
Perhaps because this site is a bit slow right now, you are looking to hard at this poem? 
Although, I do like your suggestion of "who fled where none could see".
S2 is not unlikely at all. It is about lovers who come in and out of our life.
And men....they drift! Off to sea or where ever!
I also like your "a lace-like pattern spun", but, I like my line better.
Yes, a comma after twin.
S4, is in the sea....not creek. ? Oh, I see what you mean, yeah, in my mind. But if you look back at S1, I dipped a dream into the sea, and keep it close at bay.
Oh heck, it made sense to me when I wrote it, least in my mind.
Let's see what the rest of the masses think! hahaha
Thank you, Ted, for the read and critique, and yes....I am a great lover! 
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Curslayer
Welsh Wizardry
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#4 Posted: Sun Jun 13th, 2010 03:01 pm |
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It's a lovely poem Debby all by its own...and I am very sure you're a good lover!
Rob
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"To think one knows is a step, to know that one knows is the path, to show that one knows is the journey and to be as one knows is the destination." As always: "Know Thyself"
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Serah
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#5 Posted: Sun Jun 13th, 2010 06:57 pm |
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Thank you, Rob. This is one of my own favorites, if I must say so, myself.
Definitely one for my book....if ever I publish one. I already have a lot of buyers! ( My customers ) And friends and family too! 
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Ted Cherry
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#6 Posted: Tue Jun 15th, 2010 06:14 pm |
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| Deb, just returned to have another look here, yes, -- well! So it is the original posting about twin boozies highlighted by sunbeams peeking through the leaves of trees. Dreamy stuff for sure! I'm glad you liked my COMMA, so I am justified somewhat. Ted
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David
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#7 Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 12:16 am |
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This poem also brings together nicely the first stanza using "sea" with the last.
Reminiscing to show how in our youth we treat (And mistreat) love out of selfishness was powerful. A woman, commits body, soul and mind only to be left alone again.
I liked the last stanza, because I am a romantic poet and knights and princesses are the bedrock.
Ev DavidLast edited on Sun Jul 18th, 2010 12:23 am by David
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Serah
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#8 Posted: Mon Jul 19th, 2010 12:13 am |
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David, Thank you so much for stopping by and for your wise comments.
I too, am a romantic.
Welcome to the site. Hope you stay long enough to get your feet wet, cos once they're wet, then you'll be hooked by all the great poets here.....right guys?
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mahatma
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| Joined: | Mon Aug 2nd, 2010 |
| Location: | Lagos, Nigeria |
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#9 Posted: Mon Aug 2nd, 2010 09:58 am |
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| the is good...
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Serah
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#10 Posted: Sat Aug 7th, 2010 01:48 am |
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thank you, Oliver, and WELCOME! 
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Erthona
~Erthona
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#11 Posted: Tue Aug 10th, 2010 01:57 am |
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Deb,
I guess I missed this one. A nice example of common meter, or metre, if you wish.
See Deb, you must be a better poet than you sometimes let on, as most of us here certainly have no customers waiting with baited breath for our book, and I, poor thing, have not even family or friends who have the slightest interest in my poetic aspirating.
You "reposed" it did you. Well I guess no one can accuse you of lying down on the job.
Have you thought of composing a fourteener?
I once tried, but they told me it was against the law in this state.
But as it is a re-post, and one may not re-critique it,
for it has already been raked over the coals and come out soggy,
I'll leave it where it nicely fits, in someplace cool and boggy.
And yet I'll keep a breast while here, and another on a shelf,
for I must be kind here, mind my mind, and thus content myself.
Dale
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Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Serah
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#12 Posted: Tue Aug 10th, 2010 02:49 am |
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wow, Dale, you are most definitely the sharpest tool in this land, because nobody else picked up my typo and now that you've pointed it out after all this time, you have drawn attention to my mis-take.
Thankyou, I mean, thank you! 
*t
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Seven
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#13 Posted: Fri Aug 27th, 2010 08:55 am |
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hmm what's going on here? a bit of a squabble? lovers quarrel perhaps? i dont really care
romantic poets are not necessarily good lovers. chances are they write love poetry because they are lousy lovers (being self lovers for the most part) or repressed or something neurotic like that.
and if the poet says that he/she is "a good lover" you can be sure... well... i shouldn't go there because what do i know...
i'm a lousy lover 
Last edited on Fri Aug 27th, 2010 08:56 am by Seven
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