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Blaise
"mini cappuchino"
| Joined: | Wed Feb 3rd, 2010 |
| Location: | Celina, Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 7 |
| Real First Name: | Greg |
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#1 Posted: Fri Jul 16th, 2010 01:26 am |
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In Your Heart I'll Wait.
Secluded, by myself, alone, but in plain view.
I look into the sky and think only of you.
Like a moth to a bright flame, I visit each day
When I see your smile my cares start to melt away.
One in a hundred yet you stand out in my eye,
When I see you standing there, my heart starts to fly.
If angels have wings, and I believe that they do,
Then God missed one. He should have given them to you.
I stand secluded, apart, alone from the rest.
What would it take to have your head upon my chest?
I see you standing there, with your heart made of gold.
You stand up tall and erect, courageous, and bold.
The memory i hold tells no story but this,
It tells of a hug and simple, tender kiss.
I have realized my mistake to late.
Now you have moved on... I forget the date.
Now in your heart, I will sit... and I wait.Last edited on Sat Jul 17th, 2010 05:39 am by Blaise
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Men cry not for themselves, but for their comrades.
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4515 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#2 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:36 am |
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Line 5, stand not stands.
I'm still not sure about what I think about all the repetion in those lines. It still seems like you're saying the same thing three times.
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"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Ted Cherry
Aussie and proud of it
| Joined: | Mon Apr 16th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 7939 |
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#3 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 02:36 am |
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Greg, I would dearly like to say your poem has merit, or is interesting one way or another, but I can't.
For me, it is a series of short lines of rigidly rhymed prose statements.
The lines do not even show as being romantic, but are just cold statements. And I don't understand why you have to reiterate being alone in three different ways in the first line. A love poem needs a bit of heated, or at least warm desire toward the object of your fancy. Remember, rhyming does not a poem make, but rhythm can. Ted.
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2321 |
| Real First Name: | Dale |
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#4 Posted: Sat Jul 24th, 2010 06:07 pm |
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Greg,
Romantic poetry is at best difficult write, and nearly impossible to stay away from all the well worn cliches.
This ranges from iambic tetrameter to iambic heptameter , more or less, with rhyming couplets.
The couplets become wearing for me, as most of the rhymes are either trite or forced.
It is also fairly riddled with cliches.
"think only of you."
"Like a moth to a bright flame"
"my cares start to melt away"
"I see you standing there"
This is one that should probably sit on the shelf for a god year.
You are not alone. IN my 40+ years of writing poetry, I have maybe penned three love poems that were halfway decent, but here are hundreds more I would not want anyone to read. It's just damn difficult to avoid all those Hallmark phrases. I have to agree with David on the repetitions, it seems good in your mind, but when read aloud.
I don't know if your irregular line length is on purpose or not, but it doesn't really work for me. especially as it creates no cadence by doing so.
Dale
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Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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