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deistry
Poet
| Joined: | Sat Jul 10th, 2010 |
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#1 Posted: Tue Jul 20th, 2010 12:16 pm |
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The memorial stood by the side of the road
One small wreath of blue and white flowers
I didn’t have the chance to notice whether
they were real or not since I was going 70
But I did have time to think
“A person’s life reduced to one
small wreath of blue and white flowers.”
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
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| Real First Name: | David |
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#2 Posted: Tue Jul 20th, 2010 01:53 pm |
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It's a nice moment of observation. I'm afraid I don't have any ideas for expanding it or anything. As long as you realize it's a first draft I think that means you know what you're looking for and it isn't there yet in your mind. Don't give up on it if you think there is more there.
Maybe add something about the speed limit? I mean... if you're speeding and the implication is someone died in a crash, that could add another layer to the poem.
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Ted Cherry
Aussie and proud of it
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#3 Posted: Sun Aug 1st, 2010 01:27 am |
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I have been absent for a while so am reading this for the first time.
It is a recognition of tragedy, and i agree with David, it could be tellingly expanded.
A good message to wake up speedsters ofthe crazy loss of life on our roads, so please add to it. Ted.
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
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#4 Posted: Sun Aug 1st, 2010 09:41 am |
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Yeah, this is missing the emotional connection. I think there are a couple of reasons for that. I think you are probably not emotionally connecting to this, and so there is no particular focus brought to the piece. It's also a bit awkward because of the wordiness. I think brevity would sever you better. If you are wanting to make the point that we ignore the significance because these roadside markers are so ubiquitous, it could read something like this.
Beside the road, the colored blur of a
tiny wreath of blue and white flowers
was fading slowly, just like the memory
of the person who had died there .
"Huh!", I thought, as I sped by,
"Another one of those things."
Then, glancing at the clock,
"Man, I'd better step on it
if I am going to make it on time."
We don't need to mention that this is a "memorial", as most any reader will be familiar with these things. Since stating that the speaker did not have a chance to tell if the were real or fake, is primarily a device to indicate how fast he was going, it can be replace by the phrase "sped by, just as can the phrase, going 70 mph. People will understand that the speaker is going fast, related to whatever the driving circumstances are. Stating that the wreath was a "blur" also emphasises this, as well as shows that the speaker is familiar enough with the object to recognize it despite this. That it is insignificant to the speaker is indicated by him referring to it as "Another one of those things" as do the last three lines because he is going to speed up even more so he can "make it on time." That the "what"to which he needs to speed up to be on time, is left unsaid, indicates that it is probably no great event. That this is a commonly held attitude by many people, if not also for the reader. That this attitude extends into other life areas besides this one, that we fail to "stop and smell the roses, should easily be extrapolated by the reader.
Of course there are a number of direction you could go with this, however you need to choose which one it is and emphasize that. By leaving the focus vague, you lose and impact the poem could have. An exercise I use to do a lot, that you might find helpful, is to do the poem from several different perspectives. Such as the person who has stopped to tend to the marker, and is nearly blown over by the passage of the speeder going by. You can even do it from the perspective of the person who died. Maybe something about how they recognize that their own stupidity had killed them, but seeing the guy speeding by, feels even worse because, even his death was useless. Or maybe it was a drunk who caused the wreck, but survived. There could be a number of different takes on that one. I do think there are some possibilities here, but you must also be aware that this is hardly unexplored territory, so finding both a unique and beneficial approach is paramount. Just as an example, I did a poem 20+ years ago, drawing the connection between the white crosses one saw along the side of the roads, and the white crosses that people, especially truckers used to stay awake for long periods of time. You can also draw upon historical analogies to show how little humans have progressed in this area. Hope to see a rewrite soon.
Dale
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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