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Serah
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stateofmind, New York USA |
| Posts: | 820 |
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#1 Posted: Wed Jul 28th, 2010 01:11 am |
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I know not the name of this song
you play, that can touch me deep.
But I do know it's melody, I hear it
every night, and shutter at your talent.
I dream along with you of an arena
filled with screaming, jumping fans.
And I wonder on this June night, how is it,
that you can create a wonder of sound?
Fingering strings, echoing dreams through
the night, amplifying emotions on the run.
I run from the stress of life, into the harmony.
The harmony of your sound, it's all around.
It's in the chords you play, the chords of life.
Chords you hit so high, like the joy of birth,
or that new love feeling, tingling inside,
from a first kiss, or the first " I love you".
You play out a song of joy, euphonious to all.
But you also can play a mood so blue.
Of empty hearts and love gone wrong,
A path well traveled on stormy nights,
with wind wreaked minds and swollen eyes.
No matter the chords you play...
play for you...your happiness...
your tears, your health and wealth...
play for your sanity.
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2321 |
| Real First Name: | Dale |
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#2 Posted: Wed Jul 28th, 2010 12:13 pm |
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This reminds me somewhat of the song by Leon Russel "Superstar" cut by the Carpenters (Lyrics below).
I think I would look at this line
"Fingering strings, echoing dreams through
the night, amplifying emotions on the run."
Maybe:
In the night, strumming strings, amplify and
echo dreams and emotions on the run.
Amplify and echo are both aspects of the sound board, along with manipulating bass, midrange, treble, reverb (basically where one gets the echo effects when turned up high enough), and so on. Metaphorically, the guitar is playing, mimicking the dreams and by doing so also echo and amplify the concurrent emotions. There is of course the subtle distinction that the dream(s) proceed(s) the emotions, but I really don't think it is a point worth belaboring, especially as it would lead to a fairly convoluted and awkward line. I think that is what you think you have written, but connecting the "dreams" and "emotions" by way of "and", you are basically equating the two (if you see what I mean). Plus, I don't like the sound of "fingering" strings. At least for me, "fingering" has another connotation that doesn't seem appropriate here. The correct usage is, "he fingered the strings", or more properly, "he finger-picked the strings", but never "he is fingering the strings".
Anyway, I think you have the core of something here, but it could benifit from some judicious pruning.
Dale
"Long ago and oh so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here
It's just the radio
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, i love you i really do
Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And i can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Erthona
~Erthona
| Joined: | Sun Jun 10th, 2007 |
| Location: | Austin, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 2321 |
| Real First Name: | Dale |
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#3 Posted: Wed Jul 28th, 2010 12:13 pm |
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This reminds me somewhat of the song by Leon Russel "Superstar" cut by the Carpenters (Lyrics below).
I think I would look at this line
"Fingering strings, echoing dreams through
the night, amplifying emotions on the run."
Maybe:
In the night, strumming strings, amplify and
echo dreams and emotions on the run.
Amplify and echo are both aspects of the sound board, along with manipulating bass, midrange, treble, reverb (basically where one gets the echo effects when turned up high enough), and so on. Metaphorically, the guitar is playing, mimicking the dreams and by doing so also echo and amplify the concurrent emotions. There is of course the subtle distinction that the dream(s) proceed(s) the emotions, but I really don't think it is a point worth belaboring, especially as it would lead to a fairly convoluted and awkward line. I think that is what you think you have written, but connecting the "dreams" and "emotions" by way of "and", you are basically equating the two (if you see what I mean). Plus, I don't like the sound of "fingering" strings. At least for me, "fingering" has another connotation that doesn't seem appropriate here. The correct usage is, "he fingered the strings", or more properly, "he finger-picked the strings", but never "he is fingering the strings".
Anyway, I think you have the core of something here, but it could benefit from some judicious pruning.
Dale
"Long ago and oh so far away
I fell in love with you before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here
It's just the radio
Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, i love you i really do
Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And i can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar
____________________
Please do not take my critique too much to heart,
I would offer Coleridge suggestions on his art.
How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?
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Serah
non-moving avatar
| Joined: | Tue Jun 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stateofmind, New York USA |
| Posts: | 820 |
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#4 Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 01:09 am |
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as Ted would say.....the double up fairy struck again! LOL
Thank you Dale for reading this and for your good suggestions....yes I know what you mean and you are right about echo and amplify, but I wrote this one night while my son was playing his guitar in the band room, in the basement, and this just kind of poured from my pen as he played. As he fingered the strings, it made me start to dream of a time long ago when I was in a bar listening to a band, which then amplified my emotions of that time. Does that make sense to you now? Yeah, I also know what you mean about that word...fingering. I will ponder on that thought.
So this made you think of Superstar, eh? I used to love that song. That came out in 1969, right? Or was it 1970? I was a mere 13 or 14 years old and had a crush on some guy.....that's what that song reminds me of. And I never knew Leon Russell wrote that. I remember him in the concert for Bangladesh when he sang Jumping Jack Flash.....great song.
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4515 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#5 Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 01:51 am |
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| I like the large inner stanza... how it seems to rush so many impression together... and wonder if you could lineate a bit differently, such as longer lines, to really give it a rushing along feel.
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Cappuchino
The Capuchin
| Joined: | Tue Mar 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, Illinois USA |
| Posts: | 4515 |
| Real First Name: | David |
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#6 Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 01:51 am |
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| Oh, and I think you mean Shudder, not shutter. Shuttering your soul would close it off, yes?
____________________
"We say what we can when we want to speak about the Ineffable One about whom nothing can be said in the proper sense. We must either keep silence or use words in a transformed way."
Isaac of Stella
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Serah
non-moving avatar
| Joined: | Tue Jun 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stateofmind, New York USA |
| Posts: | 820 |
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#7 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 02:13 am |
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teehee,,,why yes, David, it would indeed close it off! So silly of me....
you are so smart!
Thank you.
I like your thought about longer lines for a more rush along feeling. hmmm?
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